"Marla and James"
24” x 36”
Apparently it’s impossible for anyone (myself included) to do anything in life without talking/bragging/complaining about it via a Facebook status update. But there are some things, we have to put the kibosh on because NO ONE CARES.
Here’s a helpful guide:
1. If your baby slept through the night or not.
The occasion baby pic is okay, but let’s stop the daily updates of how long they slept or how often they woke up. Get over yourselves, parents; they’re babies, not Shiba Inu puppies. No one cares.
2. If you went to the gym or not.
If you did, it looks like bragging. If you didn’t, it looks like whining. Either way, no one cares. If you want someone to care, hire a personal trainer and they’ll act like they do.
3. What the weather’s like.
As a friend, you’re cool. But as a meteorologist, you’re awfully self-centered. We have the Weather Channel for a reason. No one cares.
4. What you dreamt about.
I know, I know, that dream was so crazy! But only to you. Even the craziest dream is incredibly boring to the people who didn’t have it. Unless it directly involves the person you’re telling it to (and/or SEX), no one cares.
BONUS (for those in NYC)
-How crazy of driver your cabbie was/is
No one cares because THEY’RE ALL CRAZY DRIVERS
I posted video of last year’s event (done at night with glow sticks and flashlights) so I figured I’d post this year’s too. Took place on Governor’s Island. Hot, rainy, muggy and super super fun. The footage taken by the remote control helicopter is great!
My name is Jeff Lee and for some reason, I haven’t seen many movies. I don’t dislike them. I just don’t often watch them. But I do see previews and commercials and entertainment news stories and clips of movies on chat shows etc etc…
If Jeff Lee Wrote It is my attempt to estimate the plots of famous movies (that I haven’t seen) based solely on my passive exposure to them via pop culture.
Up first is “The Dark Knight Rises” (in theaters this Friday). My exposure comes from a couple previews and several commercials that were pretty much unavoidable in the last month. I saw the first two movies once time each, and just recently re-read the plot synopses (thanks, wikipedia). I also read some of the original Batman/Bane comics when they came out in the early 90’s (when I was 14). I have purposely avoided seeking out online rumors and spoilers—including the infamous David Letterman spoiler. Here goes…
“The Dark Knight Rises”
…if Jeff Lee Wrote It
The movie probably starts with a big action set piece. I’m guessing it’s a Bane origin story. Bane growing up in a grimy, drippy prison somewhere in unspecified-Latin-America-Carribbea. Probably a military prison to give it some Guantanamo-esque feelings. Bane grows up angry, mean, buff yet super smart. His dad or family or pretty girlfriend is killed by something related to or labeled “Wayne Enterprises” so he vows revenge. He is injured in the process, leading to him having to wear that gas mask thing to deliver pain-killers. He’s helped along the way by SURPRISE! Liam Neeson as Raj da Ghoul or whatever his name is. Early on, Raj gives him the tools to be super smart (an ancient scroll or an Encyclopedia Britannica or something) and then later helps break him out during a crazy airplane action sequence. It ends with a super explosion and Bane redeclaring his vow of revenge as he flies off into the sunset with some mysterious guerrilla/terrorist/anarchist collective.
OPENING CREDITS! Everyone applauds (whether they want to or not)
Then we don’t hear or see Bane for a long time, leaving him a dark specter in the background of the story. We switch back to Gotham, where it’s been awhile since the last movie. Some police or mayor guy spews all this exposition about how Gotham has been super safe since the Joker was killed. Everybody hates Batman for killing Harvey Dent (shot of Gary Oldman looking away sadly… he knows the truth) and no one’s seen or heard from old Bat Eyes in forever. Maybe there’s a shot of Gary up on the roof with the broken bat signal, smoking a cigarette and being sad.
Cut to Bruce Wayne being all sad because he had to return to the oh-so-horrible life of being a billionaire playboy with a heart of gold.
Then we get some lame series of scenes that introduce us to new and mysterious cat burger Anne Hathaway, who spends the rest of the movie apologizing for not being Michelle Pfeiffer. This goes on for awhile. Maybe there’s some forced chemistry between Bruce and Anne Hath, but Bruce mentions dead Maggie Gyllenhaal and things get REAL.
More Catwoman bullshit. At some point we meet Joseph Gordon-Levitt (he was probably the exposition deliverer earlier) who is a cop on Catwoman’s tail. (see what I did there?)
Some more stuff happens and gradually Bane and his para-military cronies come to town and start fucking shit up. Because he’s super smart, Bane figures out Bruce Wayne is Batman and shows up at Wayne Manor, ready to bring some Wayne Pain. He kills Alfred or visiting Aunt Harriet (cameo from Maggie Smith?!) or something.
Distraught, Bruce shows up at Morgan Freeman’s lab and is like “I need some stuff, God” and Morgan Freeman is like “I’m not God in this movie and I thought you were retired?” Then we see some crazy new Bat toys including that Batwing thing that looks like a flying, crumpled up piece of tin foil. Bruce says “Charge it!” and they high-five.
Bane gets real serious and blows up the football stadium at Gotham U (during the big match versus Metropolis U. even!). The stadium is out in the Long Island of Gotham (ie not on the main island) so when every police and fire truck shows up at the stadium 9/11 style, Bane and his bros blow up all the bridges into Gotham, leaving them to have their way with an unprotected Manhattan…. I mean, Gotham. Unfortunately, Wayne Manor is out in Connecticut (or equivalent) and Catwoman is out there too (maybe they’re boning?). Luckily, they fly that Batwing thing into the city. The Bane-orrists try to blow them up. They survive. Fighting begins on the street, with Anne Hathaway riding around on the BatCycle, trying not to conjure up images of fat Alicia Silverstone as BatGirl, because let’s all be honest here: she looks more like BatGirl than Catwoman. Am I right?
At some point in the big Battle of Gotham, Harvey Dent reappears as the long-thought-dead Two Face. It’s revealed that he is somehow involved in all this Banesanity, vindicating Batman to the public, who are so image-obsessed that they’ll never love Old Two Facey.
Two Face probably dies. Catwoman probably dies or is majorly injured doing something heroic and not Michelle Pfeiffer-sexy. Bane and Batman fight for what seems like FOREVER. Bane gets Batman above his head and—in a slow-mo shot that takes longer than that dream within a dream thing in Inception—Bane brings Batman down over his knee and breaks his back. Batman dies (!!!)
Everyone in the theater cries.
Then Bane starts getting pelted with rocks and garbage from the Gothamites who were milling about, watching the fight. They yell “If you mess with one of us, you mess with ALL OF US!” like typical asshole New Yorkers. Bane is distracted by the junk rain and suddenly gets shot. It’s plainclothes Bruce Wayne. They take the mask off dead Batman… and it’s Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Switcheroo, Nolan-style! They explain why they switched, and it makes sense or whatever. Peace is restored.
Everyone thinks Batman is dead, so Bruce can really retire. Alfred picks him up and they drive quietly through the snowy streets of Gotham. The camera pans up to the skyline where we see the Batsignal and then the back of Michelle Pfeiffer’s Catwoman head.
shitty minnie and the boys.